Making – and being – friends
This term we sat down with School Psychologist, Tracy Fleming to talk about one of the biggest challenges she supports students through in her role – making friends.
Reassuringly, it seems that our young people are not necessarily seeking popularity.
“Students don’t tend to come in worrying about being popular. More so that they may feel that they don’t connect with the people in their group, or they may feel pressured to be like the students in their group to fit in,” said Tracy. “Having said that, a lot of teenagers are insecure and unsure of themselves, and they therefore feel that they need to be ‘popular’ or ‘cool’ to be accepted and to feel a sense of connection. But this can be problematic because being ‘popular’ doesn’t necessarily mean that students are well liked by others.”
Students may be popular because they are sporty, or good looking, or know the latest trends, but Tracy shares that this is not always a good thing.
“Interestingly, this type of status popularity can actually be bad for the ‘popular’ students themselves. There is research that shows that the ‘coolest’ kids in high school are at greater risk of being lonely, getting fired and suffering from addictions when they are older.”
Instead of being intent on being ‘popular’, Tracy encourages students to focus on being likeable.
“It is important that we encourage our children to find their people, people who share their values and can be themselves around. This may be the ‘cool’ kids, or it may not.”
“Instead of focusing on being ‘popular’ or ‘cool’ students can focus on being a likeable person, – someone who is friendly, kind and treats others respectfully. Students should aim to have a group of loyal authentic friends who respect them and share similar values,” said Tracy.
According to Tracy it’s not necessarily realistic to expect that our kids are friends with everyone.
“Some people enjoy big friend groups and want lots of friends. Others are happy with just a few or even one friend. What we do want to encourage is that your children are respectful, kind and friendly to all students.”
So, what advice could we give to our children about creating healthy friendships?
“It is important that students know what a healthy friendship looks like and what an unhealthy friendship looks like,” Tracy explains.
“A healthy friendship is based on trust and respect, a good friend does not gossip about you when you are not around, respects your boundaries and is loyal. It is of course normal to have conflict in friendships, however in a healthy friendship students will be able to resolve it and move forward which can even make the friendship stronger.”
Tracy affirms that the key to a healthy friendship is being able to talk about conflict in a respectful way and come to a solution.
“We want to surround ourselves with people who cheer us on, who bring out the best in us and like us for who we are. I encourage students to ask themselves, ‘How do I feel when I spend time with my friends?’ If you are friends with people who put you down most of the time, make fun of you, exclude or humiliate you then that is not a healthy friendship. In this case I would suggest trying to find other people whom you trust and who respect you,” said Tracy.
Our School Psychologists are always available to students who want to talk about challenges with friendships or anything else that is on their minds.
There are some really helpful “FAQs” on the Parent Portal Home>Health and Wellbeing> Health Resources. We encourage parents and students to check these out and access the support that is here for our community.
Get to know Tracy Fleming
I have been at St Stephen’s since 2012, and before that I worked for the Department of Education as a School Psychologist with students from K-12. Currently I am working at the Duncraig Secondary School and ELC. I enjoy working with adolescents, it is a privilege to help them and watch them grow into the person that they want to be. I also like to work with the younger students at the ELC, which offers a remarkable chance to support them during their formative years. It is a time where we can identify issues and provide support to facilitate significant changes and positively influence children. I am very interested in helping neuro diverse students and providing support from a neuro affirming approach. I have an interest in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and try to use it as much as I can in my daily practice.