This term, we continue our exploration of social media with some useful, practical content from an expert. Thanks to education writer, Linda Stade for sharing her thoughts about the ups and downs of social media, and how we as parents can leverage the best while minimising risk.
What are the benefits for kids on social media?
It can promote creativity
Poetry, photography, music, film, blogging, you name it. Anybody can produce content quickly and easily with the digital tools available to us in the 21st century. Just as easily we can share that content on social media. In this way, our kids can get creative and then share their work with a real audience and receive feedback quickly and honestly.
It helps isolated kids connect
Social media is a wonderful opportunity for many students who feel disconnected from their peers due to factors like illness, location, social isolation, or disability. On social media these kids can connect with others, share their lives and bond. A good example is the social media network created by the Starlight Foundation.
It gives kids agency
By nature, adolescents tend to be great social advocates. As their empathy and awareness develop, they start to express their opinions and find their own voice. In the past, students used to write English essays about the issues that concerned them. More creative students wrote poetry and songs that nobody ever heard. Now they have an audience. Social media sites such as Instagram, YouTube and TikTok allow our kids to develop a platform that reaches a real audience in real time. They have agency.
The problems with social media
The problems with social media are well documented, but they include the following:
- Missed opportunities
The most troubling aspect of social media for me is what it takes away from our kids. While a child is online, they are not learning how to interact with the world and other people ‘in real life’. They are not moving or physically challenging themselves, they are not in nature and learning through natural feedback what they can and can’t do, and they are not having unedited, unfiltered interactions with other people. Our kids need real look-you-in-the-eye connection. They need the emotional intimacy that comes with time spent in the company of family and friends. Social media robs kids of that time and those experiences. - Comparisons
Social media is all about comparison and as we know, comparison is the thief of joy. We can tell kids that on social media they are watching the highlights reel of someone else’s life, but they don’t really get it. They believe they aren’t enough… not good looking enough, not cool enough, not skinny enough, not fit enough, not rich enough, not successful enough. It is a lie they are told thousands of times a day with every curated image or reel. - Mean behaviour and bullying
In my school pastoral care roles, I’ve seen social media deliver devastating blows to kids’ sense of self and sense of social place. It is so easy to bully online. Kids will say things they would never say in real life. Telling someone ‘You should kill yourself’ is not seen by kids as particularly unusual or horrifying, but it should be! It’s also very easy to exclude others online. All you do is block them on the group chat and the anxiety and distress caused is enormous. Otherwise you can post photos of your group having fun, while well aware that others who are deliberately excluded can see those photos. Social media allows the mean behaviour to be 24/7 and on steroids. Before the internet kids could go home at the end of the school day and switch off any drama from school. They could recharge. That’s not possible now. - Grooming and unsafe interactions
The biggest fear most people have about social media is predators and that is reasonable. When you give your child a connected device you give them access to the world, but you also give the world access to them. Yes, there are apps that can limit exposure but ultimately, they can be worked around if a child wants greater freedom online. The golden rule is ‘no devices in the bedroom’. Kids should not have privacy when they are online.
Advice for parents
- Relationship underpins everything
Relationship underpins any advice about social media. If your relationship with your child isn’t good, and your boundaries aren’t clear, then tend to that and deal with social media afterwards. Whatever problems exist in your relationship will be hugely magnified on social media. Do you trust your child? Do they adhere to age-appropriate boundaries? Do they trust you? Will you be there for them, even if they tell you something you don’t want to hear? You need to be very clear about the answers to those questions before you take that trust online. - Communication
Having frank and reasonable conversations about social media with kids is essential and it needs to continue… for years. That doesn’t just mean adults laying down the law and kids listening. Communicate about social media in an open and curious way. Some good exploration questions with kids might be:
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- Can you show me around Snapchat? What’s most fun about it? What’s the worst bit? Show me how to set the privacy and location settings?
- Let’s have a look at some of your friends’ Instagram accounts. Who’s got the best one? Why? What do you like about it? What could you create with it? Who would you be in contact with?
- If you had a Snapchat/Instagram/TikTok account, what sort of boundaries would you think were reasonable? If something felt uncomfortable on social media, which adults would you be able to talk to about that?
- Be available
Kids must know that they can come to us no matter what, even if they have done something really silly. Are you ready to hear things you don’t want to hear and not catastrophise? If we go off our face about an inappropriate image, will they tell us if someone is blackmailing or grooming them? That doesn’t mean that kids don’t need to recognise their responsibilities and accept boundaries.
Finally, what about our own social media use?
Kids justifiably resent it when we criticise their social media use but spend large amounts of time online ourselves. Even if we are answering emails or messaging work the impact is the same. When you are in a room with a child and you are online, you leave them alone and disconnected. I completely understand it is unreasonable to expect parents to never use their devices in front of their kids, but it does need to be limited. The same goes with our partners and friends. Even having your phone on the table signals that you are not completely present, and no, it doesn’t help to put the screen face down. If you want kids to be polite, measured, positive users of technology you must model that behaviour. You set the standard and then insist it is upheld. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.
Resources to help you navigate social media with your kids
The below article contains a downloadable social media contract that encourages parents to have meaningful, productive conversations with their kids. It doesn’t lay down the law, rather it starts a discussion about important facets of social media use.
The social media contract that will get you and your kids talking
Linda Stade
linda@lindastade.com
If you’re looking for practical wisdom on any aspect of parenting, we strongly recommend Linda’s website and newsletter – lindastade.com. She’s a WA-based author and posts regular, relevant, and accessible content for parents of young children, tweens and teens.