Being social without social media
We are incredibly fortunate to host Kirra Pendergast, leading international expert on online safety, for our Parent Series on Thursday 9 September. In the lead up to this event we had the opportunity to chat with her about an issue which many parents discuss with our pastoral care team – how to be social without social media.
Kirra’s professional life today is the direct outcome of her own horrifying online experience as an adult.
“At 43, I became the target of a relentless cyberbullying campaign by someone I once trusted,” said Kirra.
“It wasn’t just trolling—it was calculated, personal, and brutal. And if that level of harm can be done to an adult with my expertise, imagine what happens to kids who don’t have the tools or resilience to navigate it.”
Today Kirra works with a team of remarkable and similarly passionate professionals in her international education and consulting business Safe on Social.
“This experience is why I’ve spent decades working in cybersecurity, social media risk management, and online safety—breaking down the systems at play and helping people protect themselves so they don’t have to learn what to do like I had to.”
Many parents in our community speak to us of the pressure to allow their kids to be on social media so they can be included in planning and arranging social events.
“I understand,” said Kirra, “I know that no parent wants their kid left out. But here’s the truth…social media is not a ticket to a social life; it’s a business model designed to keep you and your children addicted and their data harvested to the tune of about 72 million data points by the time they are 13! There are ways to stay connected without giving a billion-dollar tech company free rein over their mental health. Group chats, messaging apps, and even (gasp) calling people are still a thing. And if exclusion is happening just because they’re not on Instagram or Snapchat, that’s a friendship issue, not a tech issue.”
Kirra’s advice is to coach our kids to see and talk about NOT being on social media as a benefit.
“If a child is the only one without social media, that actually gives them a massive advantage – they get to control their own time and mental space instead of handing it over to an algorithm. Teach them to own it: ‘Yeah, I’m not on there because I like my privacy and don’t need an app tracking everything I do.’ Confidence in their choice shuts down the FOMO. And parents can help by making sure kids have other ways to stay connected, real-world activities, group chats, or even hosting the get-togethers themselves.”
Some parents ask us which is the safest social media platform, and Kirra has some sage advice.
“No social media platform is designed with a child’s safety in mind. They’re designed for engagement, data collection, and profit. That said, if parents are going to allow it, the least toxic options are those with minimal algorithmic manipulation, strong privacy controls, and no direct messaging from strangers. Fediversal apps like Pixelfed for example. But nothing is ‘safe’ without ongoing conversations, boundaries, and active parental involvement.”
Australia’s Online Safety Amendment (Social Media Minimum Age) Act 2024 is the first law of its kind in the world and sets a minimum age of 16 for social media use from 2026. Interestingly, this is the age that Kirra feels is the very earliest any young person should be exposed to social media.
“The best age for social media is definitely later than they’ll tell you they ‘need’ it,” says Kirra.
“The longer you can hold off, the better. Ideally, not before 16. The research is clear, social media use before a child’s brain is developed enough to handle the dopamine loops, comparison culture, and potential harm is a disaster. And when you do allow it, it shouldn’t be a free-for-all. It should be a gradual process with parental involvement, privacy settings locked down, and constant discussions about what they’re seeing and experiencing.”
Kirra is supportive of the legislation which is planned for implementation by the end of 2025, but realistic about the challenges.
“It’s a bold move and long overdue. This legislation acknowledges what we’ve been warning about for years that these platforms are not designed for children,” said Kirra.
“If companies won’t step up to protect young users, governments have to. But enforcement is going to be the biggest challenge. Kids are tech-savvy, and unless there’s a foolproof way to verify age without compromising privacy, we’ll see workarounds like fake accounts and VPNs. Parents will need to be on board to make it effective, and that’s where the real work begins.”
If your children under 16 years of age are using social media, Kirra recommends taking action now.
“Don’t wait until the ban kicks in and have it feel like punishment. Instead, frame it as a chance to reset. Help them find healthier ways to stay in touch with friends, explore new hobbies, and understand why this is happening. Teach them how these platforms are built to manipulate them. If they understand the why, they’re more likely to accept it. And if they push back? Remind them that social media isn’t a human right. It’s a business model they’re better off avoiding for now.”
Read more about the legislation and what it means for St Stephen’s School here.
Want to hear more from Kirra? Bookings for the Safe on Social Parent Series are available at https://events.humanitix.com/ps2025-t1.